10:00AM in morning and i’m still lying in bed, whining in pain and agony following the horrible fight i had yesterday evening with a friend cursing and wishing him death from cancer, how immature and mean. Its actually my heel and ankle that have been aching badly since yesterday evening. This is the consequence of not taking on time action reaponsibly. I can relate it to the spinal cord problem that i have been experiencing from the very first time of its occurance back in 2013 when i was swinging and swaying from the tree branch one day prior to my job interview for which i have had undergone through some stages of not so very careful medications.
Well i can tell that attitude forms from observation and experience over the years of our lives. It is developed from the thoughts and assessions of factors like people, object, events or issues that make an impact on our behaviors with the possiblity of a change within, depending on the scenario of life.
Sometimes i sit and assist myself learning how mean i am. When am i actually going to grow up or when will it be the time when people stop treating me like a spoiled kid? Or is it maybe because of the love i give them that come back floating in return as a surprise? For instance my teenage student treating me like he is my elder brother. I happen to not appteciate the people and things around me. for example My dad, i scold him, write him bad stuff and complain a lot about things and then we stop talking to each other for days, weeks, months and finally we get together. Shows how forgiving, kind man he is. My friends, they are caring and very considerate people who i hurt and push away with false imaginations of them treasoning me. My God father, whom i mistreat, screamed at and blamed all my problems on while the man tried to be so nice, helpful and kind to me. He looked afrer me, took care of me, did everything so that i don’t feel the absence of things that i need. But still i never listen to him, annoy him with my horrible comments upseting him many times. Despite all that he still is nice to me and warns me about attacking himself with a knife incase if i leave home. My good friend, whom i becalled, accused of many things which weren’t true, pushed him away writing him mean paragraphs but the man still embraced me and showed so much love and care with open hugs. and for the record, I still am mad at him for some stupid reasons, running away as far as possible. My best friend, who came from another continent to meet me, i scolded her and yelled at her for losing her kids and house to an opportunist coward whom i strongly opposed her from getting married to. She is back with the house and kids and loves me the way she did. My other russian friend who is such a nice girl, i reacted over her invitation of offering me a drink, to the extent i made her cry. My italian friend whose house i was invited over and threw away the glass of vodka as he poured me by mistake and to point it is as a great offense to threw away the glass of drink offered by someone. My mom, whom i love so much and i somehow upset her asking her why dad did that to her, i just hurt her feelings pushing around with unncessary questions. My God i am such a swirling mess of contradictions.
i have come to understand and somehow managed to break it to myself that it is easier to blame others for your shortcomings than it is to take responsibility for them. It’s easier to blame than admit you’re not that good. It’s easier to blame than it is to improve. It’s easier to blame than face your own reality. We all dealt with people who blame others all the time and who try to be right by making others wrong. this act of blaming others can be a cry of pain and a request for support. When the person desperately wants someone else to fix something for him he might blame him in order to motivate him to take actions. It’s much harder to take actions, to solve our problems and to get rid of our emotional wounds than to just blame someone else for our pain whereas taking responsibility for your life is scary, no doubt. It places a big bulls eye on your ego, and exposes your ego to *shudder* failure. When you accept responsibility for your life it means that every single success and failure is because of your actions, and this very fact is often what causes people to keep the ‘victim’ mentality for so long. As a ‘victim’, your failures are never your fault, they are always caused by others and allows your ego to feel safe behind a wall of lies.
The only person who responsible for your happiness is you, only you, for your fitness and health, for your relationships, for your finances and for all your actions that unfortunately you’ve been hiding from that responsibility. You’ve been blaming your unhappiness and incompetence on others. It’s time to stop blaming others and taking responsibility for your own life. That’s when you really start to live. You have to work with what you’ve got, and make things better for yourself. If you’re not happy with your job, have you thought about not complaining and actually going out and looking for a second job, or a new job, or starting something on the side (like an online business) but what if they are scam like i mentioned in my earlier post? Well there are tons of places and many opportunities with many options for you to work out and direct your path to.
There’s basically no limit to the types of things we can do. Get a camera and learn photography. Pick up a musical instrument. Practice a new language. Learn to beatbox. Start a live-action roleplaying group. Just make sure that whatever we choose is something we enjoy doing, or it’ll become a chore rather than a hobby. It still saddens me as I have made a choice to distance myself from this behaviour and those friends. I should Try to listen more than i talk, at least at first. And not interrupt people or saying but I think and Letting them talk. Going into situations expecting that everyone else is human, just like me. They probably won’t try to be mean or hurtful, but they may also make mistake from which we both could learn. And last but not least accept responsibility when things go wrong.