When it rains, and I’m inside the box, i try to position myself close to window so that i am able to hear the sound of water pouring down that kind of triggers the thoughts and memories of moments i get deeper into finding myself lost in its blurry commotions. Remembering those unkind days, the force, Coercion and immediate, predominant physical forceful pressure that made you feel sick, scared and at times embarrassed, lonely and sad. The stress of which doesn’t allow you to walk out of your enclosure and get together with the children of your age in their presence.
It all starts from the family and the siblings who pick on you, call you names that kind of get heard by people from outside who then copy the same maneuver with the thoughts of getting popular through specifically Kids who were upsetting quickly had turned into great laughing stocks for the people who would enjoy watching them react out of what they were told. the words were copied and used by larger number, even those outside from the area. the choice of get a buddy and be a buddy was kind of getting harder as the attempts would grow in greater number that the person who once was your buddy would feel uncomfortable with it and find its way to a separation, in order not to become the next victim. Their power they were looking for would slip away quickly and most of them wind up in trouble from repeating the mean and hurtful things with very little people remaining in their circle in the end.
Now let’s talk about the means of communication that people were used to establishing with each other. It were the House, Mosque, Playground, School, Video Game center, Garden and fishing area. these were the places where people usually met and greeted one another. In the house some members of the family is adept at distorting people’s’ perceptions with intent to engender a negative view of their target in the minds of family members, neighbors, friends and people in positions of officialdom and authority; which is achieved through undermining, the creation of doubts and suspicions, and the sharing of false concerns, etc. This poisoning of people’s minds was difficult to counter, sort of hard to articulate manner to help people to see through the mask of deceit and to understand how and why they were being used as pawns. Who would portray the target (and certain other family members) as irresponsible, unstable, undependable, uncaring, unreliable and untrustworthy, by the constant highlighting – using distortion and fabrication – of alleged failures, breaches of trust, lack of reliability, etc. Which was reinforced by inclusion of the occasional piece of juicy gossip about the target’s alleged misdemeanors or untrustworthiness in respect of relationships and communication with people. The objective was to manipulate the family member’s perceptions and create a dependency so that the family member comes to rely exclusively on the bully and see the bully as the sole source of reliable information whilst distrusting everyone else. Any person who was capable of exposing and breaking the dependency was targeted with venom and would find their name blackened at every opportunity. Whenever close to being outwitted and exposed, the bully feigned victimhood and turned the focus on themselves – which was another example of manipulation through their emotion of guilt, sympathy, feeling sorry, etc. Some were especially partial to making themselves the center of attention by claiming to be the injured party whilst portraying their target as the villain of the piece. When the target tried to explain the game, they were immediately labelled “paranoid”. This was and is actually happening everywhere, in schools, workplaces and some peer circles where you can find some great examples you may have experienced. they are easy to spot once you know what you are looking at their compulsive lying, manipulating (or emotions, perceptions, beliefs), unpredictability, deception, denial, arrogance, narcissism, attention-seeking, whilst always charming and plausible, especially when those impressionable witnesses are present.
until this day i don’t know the concept of being a man told by stereotypical people who weren’t even vaguely familiar with the structure of how a man should be. When i was a little a boy of age 5 i was sent to the mosque to attend prayers and learn Quran where you would find people from different nations who had fled the Russian war. The targets were usually pale skinned people from Northern and Eastern Afghanistan who were from Tajik, Uzbek and Turkman ethnic groups of Afghanistan whom the Pakistani people would pick on and harass on the streets if spotted. preteens would smoke joints and try to make their voice heavier and act aggressive to show that they are grown up to the eyes of public that unfortunately they would get applause from friends and siblings that would become a horrible source of motivation for the confused teenager. Sadly to be a man in our society is to be violent, talk bad language, have sex with women and smoke weed. if you don’t fight in the street, or hangout with irresponsible adults then you are a home boy sissy. I remember the time when my brother and cousins would get those broken pieces of glass and shave their legs and hands and face to grow beard and body hair and eat dust of that particular mountain rock to develop a heavy voice. I also remember how i was discriminated for being hairless and clean skinned by the very members of my family that to my best i ignore them and sometimes even argue to cut them out and then not talk to them for sometime. i always tried less constrained who i thought i had to be in order to be masculine like them than spending time thinking about becoming one of those copy-cut factors that i never liked. my friends were my books, the ones that would drown me in the sea of imaginations. my thoughts were completely different from them, my ideas were different too. My uncle took my older sister out of school, because it was a shame in that community for a female to walk alone. he also tried to take my 2 aunts and 1 cousin out of their school despite being transported by their school vehicle where they stayed in the dorm all the time and visited our family once in two weeks.
In school i tried to stay in my spot and never talked to anyone in the classroom because of the fear of getting teased and picked on. There were a couple of bad guys in every classroom who’d dominate the lead and bully the weak ones. my focus was how to move ahead and fit myself in the front row that i thankfully made my way through. People i chose to befriend were older than me in age and were actually nice people. it was from the observation i made in one month from being silent and learn about each and everyone. There were also a few other peers of the bad guys weaved into the chain of one another so it was like a series of connection that they built with each other all over school from different classrooms. the way i chatted with my favorite ones was by writing them in a piece of paper where they wrote their response below my text to make it look like we are studying. I helped a couple of class fellas by writing them some useful advise from my experience. Being a pretty boy in a school is a major problem and costs a lot to come over obstacles, bullies and sexual harassment from the dominant school gangs. What i did was wear baggy clothes, shave my head and always tried to seem dirty and that actually helped me being ignored in the crowd. it hurt me to school others being picked on and bullied the entire time. despite that they would still follow me sometime that i somehow could manage to back them off with the help of the big nice ones in the classroom who would gladly stand my your defense.
We think of Bullies and harassment only to be the teenage and school period problem but to what i have experienced it exists everywhere. I was fired by my manager for not satisfying his needs, a wrong sexual relation that i was in a complete honest denial and rejection which led to my removal from that Organization. I was bullied and harassed by a coupled of ESL students in Military school both the lower, and the higher ranked, cadets and officers. During the break period i never went outside with the other teachers because of the great number of military students involving in inappropriate conversations and debates which could trigger unhealthy reaction from any side. what i did instead was to stay in the room and read the Glencoe literature books pretty similar to the ones i used to borrow from the library back in my hometown. Those few particular students would ask me creepy questions and ask to remove my glasses and let them see my face clearly and tried to get in deeper details about my personal and private informations and one day i cried in a strangled voice in the library as i was observing students attending the Book Quiz in the computer lab. Andrew another ESL teacher was sitting few steps away from me and he once startled as he heard the heckle that went off from my tone which i grasped and buried in my throat and pretended like nothing had happened. Andrew later told Neil who had freshly substituted Leasa who was on a leave in Texas attending her fathers funeral ceremony. Elana was a wonderful lady, whom i become very good friends with. Yvette was another sweet women who joined us later, then Mark the chatterbox. Neil came to me and summoned me privately in the Teachers room where we used to conduct PD’s professional development sessions. First i tried to hide and pretend but then as he went a little deeper with Elana insisting twice, i told them. i told everything that was going around the Military school. they introduced the matter to the head office and those students were called and warned officially that one of them started behaving in a disrespectful manner who was almost disqualified from the Training Exercise which was due in 2 months in San Antonio, Texas. I went to the office and asked them to give him another chance and tried to turn the situation in a good position. the student was becoming sort of aggressive and behaved meanly in the classroom, But thanks to my patience and tolerance that gracefully me saved my dignity. and today those people who bullied me, threatened me and said mean things are writing me thank you notes and i miss you phrases from across the oceans.