How to comfort a grieving person?

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In our personal, social, work, academic, and recreational lives we happen to bond with people whose relationship means a great deal that builds the network of acquaintances connecting society in the frame of mutual and direct kinship.

In the life rollercoaster you experience success, failure,moments of happiness and the inevitable sadness caused by the type of any loss it could be either way your asset or a loved one. In such a terrible turn of event, having the company of those in your life circle is not only helpful but also empowering to lift up your broken spirit. It is the love and care of the beloved ones that plays a very important part in the undergoing conditions. It is not the Vacations, islands, beaches, skyscrapers or parks, but what sure warmens the heart is the presence of family, friends and colleagues at that specific time.

Being sensitive to someone at a time of loss is not only the humane, mature, mindful thing to do, but it also builds tremendous loyalty. People who feel treated with care will have another reason to love. Many just don’t know what to do, even though they are well meaning. Every death triggers one’s own losses and awareness of mortality. People who are grieving a death need acknowledgement of the event, and connection, to avoid feeling isolated. They shouldn’t be told stuff like; everything will be fine, or it is for the best, or i know how you feeling, or the offer of is there anything i can do where the very annoying phrase could go as “how are you”. but rather would feel a little relaxed or different with a simple phone call or a voice message like; “I just heard about your ……. death. I am so sorry for your loss. My thoughts are with you today/this week.” phone call Phone call is best because the person can hear your voice. An Email is too impersonal. Letters take too long to get there and Texting might be appropriate if you already have a text relationship with that person. Sitting with them briefly and acknowledging the loss, and waiting to see if the person wants to talk is a better approach to which Waiting silently is a key factor. You can also seek tips on what to say from other trusted adults, friends or elders from the family.

Keep in mind that not everything you do or say cannot be very expecting to take care of the cirumstances. Put yourself in that person shoe and just be aware of your own discomfort with death or past losses, and accept it – then be present for the person who has had the loss. small gestures such as Invitation to lunch, Bringing coffee, Sending flowers, Sending “thinking of you” emails
Stopping by their place for five minutes are very meaningful and do convey caring concern. As per my personal experience in muslim community, siblings and relatives of the family of the deceased person come togethee and mourn their loss together. They cook their meal, cut their woods and clean their house for them for three days. Their presence continues in the course of time, the fridays of the week until the 40th day and also the marking of the first year of the departured member. There are people to sit and hug and give shoulder for them to cry on with enormous amount of love and care to make them feel psycokogically better. They stay with them up late until midnight to share stories and honor the death of the beloved one that really helps the family giving them a little vibes and support in those harsh hours of their lives.
In the work place or schools colleagues/classmates come together and show respect and support to the sibling of the deceased one by reciting few verses of holy quran and sending out their prayers and blessings to him/her and her family. The attitude and behavior changes with a more careful manner of not hurting the grieving person which continues for a week or longer until the person has recovered from sorrow and come out of the dumps.

The most helpful step you can take to comfort a grieving person is to sit with them and listen to them carefully without minimizing their loss, and allow them to cry and shed tears and talk about how it happened with a careful concentration, Acknowledgement of their loss, and reminding them that their loved one won’t be forgotten.

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Todays Media or a lying propaganda Machine?

How do the media promote unusual harmful habbits in public?

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When you are watching a particular program running on Tv, whether it is a talk show or a movie or drama etc.. in between the timing sequence there pops an advertisement that often glamorizes smoking. The media associate smoking with power that boosts the speed of a skier driving rapidly althrough the snow covered mountain where they want to convince you that you will be powerful and speedy if you smoke that Cigarette.

The same way it glamorizes drinking. They associate it with attractiveness and popularity. They want to convince you that you will be attractive, popular, and “cool” if you drink. They might also lead you to believe that there are no health risks or consequences associated with drinking alochol. Some charracters on Tv shows, in movies, and in music videos drink alcohol. These charracters might be shown as having fun. Other charracters might behave as if the behavior of the people who are drinking is funny. They show no harmful consequences of this behavior. In real life, people who drink alcohol become addicted. They get diseases and illnesses. Some charracters on TV shows do become addicted to alcohol.  However,  many of these charracters recover by the next episode. In real life, people who are addicted to alcohol need long-term treatment.

Media sometime display the brand names and logos of alcohol companies.  Alcohol companies pay movie producers to show their products in the movies. Alcohol companies might sponsor events groups of different categories watch on TV, such as concerts and athletic contests. They want people to notice the brand names and logos and encourage to purchase their products. They want people to think drinking their brand of alcohol is the “in” thing to do. They also show celebrities drinking alcohol as part of their everyday lives. For example; Miss Karen walker in Will&Grace who constantly drinks at every minute and doesn’t miss a chance even carrying the bottle in her purse and under her trench coat. The others drinking it in the morning like water and then at the bar. Photos of celebrities drinking alcohol sometimes are published in magazines. These media send the message that alcohol use is glamorous. People might think, “if a celebrity whom i admire drinks, i should too.” People who this have faulty thinkint and that could lead to a catastrophic disaster. My fathers neighbor in Toronto used to drink a lot that it knocked him down to his feet destroying his kidneys comoletely leaving it out of function. Despite the warnings of the doctors he still continued to drink until it fully failed his kidneys which resulted to his death. There are also car accident incidents of careless people drinking and driving although the law prohibits them from doing so and just in case caught by the police a big amount of money is forfeited with some hours even days in jail. Alcoholics do not distinguish or identify their family memebrs. Drinking turns a person into a complete animal.

Media might include advertisements that try to convince you that you will be a certain way if you drink. For example, a beer ad might show a group of guys playing footballnor climbing a moutain, the message is…..you will be one of the guys if you drink. A wine ad might show a couple sipping a glass of wine. The message is……you need to drink to be romantic. But the fact is….you in the time of unconsciousness do not feel good enough to be awake or feeling anything better than staggering from one side to another talking nonsense. Truth is that you can be one of the guys or enjoy the company of your lover without deinking adding to fact that they are in a state of complete conaciousness that the media pictures them drunk. I always wondered what is the point of driving your car next to a bar or a resturant and then come out hammered up sick walking and threwing up whatever you digested? Too much drinking causes alcoholism and it eventually destroys the person.

The Media is not a reliable source at all. They create propaganda pieces depicting their parties look as much as good as possible while downplaying the opposite sides in their opponents. As you see that In print, the stories are scrutinized by an editor before publishing. If you are a radio broadcaster you are subject to direction from the Program Director, consultant or station manager. If you are a talking head in TV news, your stories are scripted and fed via teleprompter, all of which is once again subject to editing to meet company policy. Don’t be fooled about the obvious. Our media is very much controlled and deceives you on a daily basis.

The complex Riddle

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What is so perplexing about seeing a lot of people who are in a natural state of emotional development? Is it because of their vision of something that bothers them coming to a decision of what is wrong about the thing that triggers the emotion and anxiety into them?

The backlash of the probable answer would go with the definition of a true gender as source of speculation that could provoke public bets in this modern century. Generally it is believed that the child was born female, but had started to dress and act as a man since childhood, and decides to change back from with a huge amount of hesitation. when the secret is revealed decades later onto the face of a friend. This news could provide sensation for this bizzare secret stirring the new whereabouts to debates and unseemingly spoof. As matured to this stage of the years that elapsed, has ended the turbulant troubled careers from a starter to a well experienced level facing both notoriety and acclaim plus some unncessary judgemental things.

Invariably some of those scallywags in the worshiping place would tease with the open ended questions to the name calling of a little princess despite the struggles of loafers mimic from the unsteady silence to the ensuing of discussion kicking it all off finally to the inevitable outburst of anger pushing into battle leaving scars and wounds behind to which the big brother took position and beat them like a straying animal bunch yet no complaint made from the little one. Used to be quiet and desrted in a seperate single seated bench in school for which getting called a hindu by the teacher in terms of expressing the style of soltitude and in one moment seen as a victim who must have been desperate subjugating itself to such a horrible and degrading image of not wanting to mingle to seeing the beggining of a victory of self actualization. The emotional flip in the room is so tangable to be felt. The details of silence is hidden in many layers of contridictions with the possiblity of general outline estsblishment, but it all required a provocative support.

As switched to the real point, seeing something interesting, especially a humorous chubby girl putting her chair right next to you and begins drawing pictures of particular students and writing a hillarious short tale about them, it is time that the ice is broken and familiarity gets started with one fun member of the team. The art is so fascinating that stirs excitment in you from the dumb muffling sounds into an outburst of laughters attracting attention of other students in the class resulting in more acquaintances among them. It allowed the chance of seeing something in yourself treating those moments as moments of self discovery. You have no idea what is going on in the image consisted of different personalities examining which could be always learning the most important things in life.

Had people strongly attracted to the charm of blonde green eyed lad, So handsome that drove a teacher and few students to distraction, but in contrast wasn’t distracted by them in return. A very little effimenacy was offset in the manners was changed quickly with one of the teachers mentioning it in private.  Teacher would call in corners and grab hand and ask to look into the eyes and express the effecionate emotions but at the same time shocked to see the counterpart looking down blushing in embarrasment too shy to look up which posed the question of who is the Romeo and who is the juliet in the occuring moment of the matter. The great advantage that could give was test questions hint by the teacher from which other students expressed their jealousy and anger in a non violent protest.

There are several incidents to be quoted of the historical events occurance where the circumstance was almost on the verge of exposure but it all went on hold from the decency and simplicity manners. They stir something up in you and you in return have to feel some empathy with the effort of cautiousness for their journey. You may not go where they wanted or intended and infact it is sometimes better you go where you need to instead. But, still rather than forcing an issue or giving off hints, let them explore consciously and break the puzzle of the very unknown individual with some respect in the process.

Used to be a lecturer in a very big Military School with a different infrastructure the size of a town. The first day was pretty interesting with invariably most of the people staring at you in wonder. Big glasses, blonde hair, red blouse + dark purple coat and cowboy jeans added more texture to the look, just to note that it wasn’t intentional or for attention, but just a style of clothing worn on a weekly basis. Being stopped in the middle of the way by some U.S sergeants offering help in many ways just to do a little bit of conversation to the stalking of a female soldier who thought she finally found her perfect lesbian match after years turned into a profound fascinating speculation that became a matter of extraordinary scandal in the entire university as the story got swapped from seats to another and classrooms to another. The gossip turned in a big drama with people giggling and mumbling about it to each other as seen in the walks from School building to the Defaque that made it kind of hard to dine in such a huge crowded place with some talking their way into the story and laugh about it as they nibbled on their pieces. Winter had covered all those places in white snow, from the pavement to the mountain peak. To be off the topic was to stay inside school and prepare your own fruit salad and cereal. It was healthier than the food in the messhall and besides that there was a chance to practice some cover songs.

What stabilized the mood was the support from the leading groups and appreciation of colleagues and the love/admiral of students titling you as the best instructor in the entire school. visitors from the headquarters would confuse you with the native speakers and leave off with some great comments on the outstanding class presentations. Music was the heartwarming and promising tool uniting people who showed much interest in you yet one becoming a coArtist with few others giving critics and aporoval for the soundtracks produced. Some would express feelings in private and some would go crazy in front desk with a fewer number mistaken your identity with comolete bizzare standards. But the dececncy and cautious behavior was a savior and that didn’t damage the teacher-student relations to this day. Whatever the aspect speculation on this private fascinating bizzare yet interesting life continues, until now there has been no any experience of sexual encounter with anyone and that all suggest that there could be a possibility of will have been dead virgin by the end of life expectancy years.

Work evolution

Today is Monday, September 28th of the fall season and it is our last day at school which we are all so thrilled about, smiling happily for the day that had finally arrived, FYKI, we are graduating.

There are big crowds of students chitchatting. You see the happy faces and hear the sounds of laughter from across the long hall and downstairs as well that together it was all a blast. Truth to be told, i haven’t been so happy in my life, it is truly a moment of celeberation and joy. It was very heartwarming to see those decorations, presents, foods and drinks students had brought in their classes. The loving part is you get to talk to everyone even to your bullies and haters whom you have such terrible memories from but in this blissful day, they hug you and squeeze you complimenting you and yelling i love you out of excitement and you would wonder if they’re really those people you had a bad time with back in the days.

Our class is organized with colorful stickers, flowers and a beautiful good bye note on the blackboard. We are almost 50 people in the class, some left earlier because of working opportunities and others were dropped out and the rest were up in the hurdle pulling our strings to roll in through the challenges to this very day. The class is categorized in different groups, the top 10 contenders where i’m on the second sloth, the gangs, the comedians, the artists and the who gives a rats rectum. We were in a competition and always envied and disliked each other, i’m talking about top 10. Our teacher would say;  guys here is your temporary home and you all are families, your battle ground is college entrance which really was breathtaking and a hard hit for people to get in there. We have brought our cameras to take pictures and it was kind of a work to put us all in one frame, the population was big in number but the space to shoot pictures wasn’t. We are ready to welcome teachers in our class, had one teacher for every single subject so it generally took about 19 teachers to visit our room for each of whom we had bought presents from the money we all had chipped in. The gangs turned out to be very active and responsible doing all the stuff from decoration to food to organization and distribution of food and drinks,  i love them. I actually had no brawl with them through the entire studying cycle. It was two of the clowns i disliked, they would sprinkle water on my neck from behind, yet one of them hit me with his shoe that i picked and threw 2 blocks away on another buildint roof where another class categories used to study. There was a water war everyday after the end of class with each of them throwing water on students and i was the only one who never drank from that giant bottle for safety curisoities that i had from the way of filling and taking water. Some would use the plastic tap and the other would remove the cover and shove the glass inside dripping the remaining drops back into it. I had my own little vaccum that i filled and refrigerated from home. 

The head of school was a very serious man that everyone feared, including the bad asa gangs who used to carry gun. I remember him stopping one in the school line and slapping him that banged our ears from the sound. Everyone would stop and kept still as he entered the hall of the 6 story building consisted of 16 classroom each. He was the man of wisdom, charractor and personality. He worked very hard for the school. Built greenhouse, planted trees and flowers and painted the entire school colorful that attracted the attention of passengers walking nearby. The punishment for breaking school rules took every student to bring a flower case and painting boxes and also plowing the ground for herbs and vegetables. No one fought inside school except for outside where noses bleed and eyes were blackened everyday. There was no day without a fight and a drop of blood outside which fortunately was put into an end by the head who was tipped off by one of those street venders outside. The strategy took those cockfighting warmongers to donate and work in the construction of a gym in the corner.

We all walked out of school after dining and drinking and photoshoots with our sorry faces looking back with the love and passion and the phrase “its over eh” on our lips. We parted with hugging each other and noting numbers and email addreses on our cellphones and the promoses of reunions in the latter. It was truly the moment of love and sincereity that to this day i sigh and cherish it from the bottom of my heart.

Two months later we ran into each other and screamed and hugged and pulled each others hair, ear and pinched noses. The look in our faces explained how much we missed and still do miss school days, studying under one roof and hanging out in the recessions and playing football and dancing and those runnint races. The exam went well and i was escorted back one of our classmates car from the resturant where we had an amazing joint lunch with the loved ones. They would come and visit, some in bicycles, some in car and some of them in their badass motorbikes scaring the heck out of me with their crazy drives. I miss them today, very much. I wish i have a contact of one of them and i would unless my phone wasn’t broken. We used to call and text each other for some time until my phone went broken, and email got hacked.  I am hoping to somehow find their cobtacts soon.

There was a “researcher Assistant” vacancy announcement from worldbank and i want to be the nominee for it but for a freshky graduated it was quite challenging. i asked my uncle who is the health director in world bank to help get me shortlisted in the exam and he introduced me to one of his friend who gave me the directions for online recruitment. I did and was called for an interview that i luckily passed. My grandma was worried about my college, so was dad but as i begin working things changed dramatically with the doors of opportunities oppening for me to grow more and learn more. I was sent for trainings although on a mission, it was because my boss was a great person. We actually had to travell to provinces and visit schools and education officials and ministries in the districts. I got to see my school principles and it was trully the moment of surprise and encouragment as i walked in their offices. I was suppose to be in the college studying accounting but i was out instead doing some great great stuff hard to imagine, yes i was working with people holding their masters and doctors degree. So as a very young memeber from trainings i made acquaintances and impressed participants who were the high officals of other organizations. My active involvment in the program gained some very good compliments and admires from people including the trainees who i respected and learned a lot from in and outside the classroom through constant contacts. After the program ending with a certificate i returned back to the research program and continued the job until its successful completion. The C.V got some beautiful margins and soon i begin to volunteer in health organization where the board of direction appointed me to the financial position. Besides work i continued college and applied for more jobs and opportunites that snowballed amazingly which allowed me to learn and grow and experience more and more and i enjoyed most of it. .. to be continued……
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Depression and Anxiety, how it all started in me?

I often write when i’m hurt or in pain, to change it into an energy.. This helps relieve pain than charging against the gravity of the situation.
When i was a little kid, i used to write my anger and sorrow on a piece of paper then roll it inside a bottle i threw into the river thinking someone, somewhere may pick it up and read my story.

My childhood world was a wonderland not because that i was given by but through my search and findings i put efforts to find them through.  I enjoyed every moment of it Although there wasn’t much freedom of allowance from the family, but i found them in each layer of excuses of the errands i ran for. My curiosity helped me a lot finding answers to the questions that came into my mind. There were somehow chances of grabbing them opportunities passing by like a short voyage of a bunch. and to get a share of it was to be smart enough to work your through it.
The neighborhood was consisted of diverse nations each represnting their culture and custom with the style of their clothings and decorations, interesting indeed.

20 minutes walk far away was the house of Granny’s sister. A sweet, kind hearted caring lady who always received me with a smile and a hug and lots of love. She would bring me nice things to eat and allow me to watch videos in her guesthouse. Her son was a Tv mechanic, with his shop full of Tv’s that people brough for fixing. He was a nice man, would offer us soft drinks and chat with us while he was working. He had some great video cassets of animal planet which he recorded them straight from cabel channels and he liked them. it has been 4 years since they moved back to their hometown, he lives in a big suburbab house with his mom in Baghlan. they have planted a very nice garden in the corner of their house connecting to the door next to the giant field outside their house where they cultivatee various kinds of vegetables and those little yellow and red flowers in between gives a marvalous beauty texture to it. Their bathroom has two groups of wasp forces, orange and spotted yellow. They are literally on the roof top, not visible unless you enter and notice them through those humming buz buz beep sounds scaring the hell out of you thinking what secs would they land and sting you all over your body. I was lucky to have not been bitten by one, it was a miracle although i put some tatctics, first trying to drive them away and then silently crawl outside like a desperately injured croc. Oh God!

The feeling of sadness flow through me with the questions that popped in my mind of my dad’s irresponsibity on our account. My mom is a sweet lady, how could someone cheat on her? What she didn’t do for that disgraced douchebag, she did more than necessary for that family. Everyone loves her for her honesty, integrity and righteousness and all the hardships she walked through with a smile in her face. My dad has never beaten me only some frowns and harsh words. He cries when asked for his loyalty and responsiblity and coins the excuses of nurishment and payments he made as a clearance to judging him. Money doesn’t make you a good parent but spending time with your kids and walking them to school and some parks and giving love does. My dad would take us in his car for roundtrips and do some shoppings but then as he went to toronto the sincereity didn’t lasted long. Phone calls? Yes but i never talked to him from the time he scoldes me over fighting with my elder sister over the receiver. I never felt good about him coming home and bringing me those toys. I actually envied my cousins with their dad being around them all the time and being so nice and humorous to them. I was hiding from my dad and every morning when he’d come to our room calling on me to go to the mosque together i would change my position in the bed by sleeping in the other direction to which he shook my feet than my head. Yes there was love and care in his voicw but our relationship didn’t get well as i was the one with a broken spirit of seeing the occurences.

I would hardly go over the receiver when he called or enter the room where he was sitting and chatting with family members. I never felt like i had a father and sometimes in school i would respond deceased when asked by the teachers. Everyone accompanied by their fathers carrying their bag and lunchboxes, where was mine? All stuffed in the big bag hanging in my back. Those colorful notebooks, and congrats on the first position did’t please me as i was dying to fill this void in my life. Eventually i was embarrased by his visits and would do as much as possible to stay out until the dusk doing my amazing routine in the wide beautiful mysterious garden. 

Why…..

Tell me,  why is there so much pain, sorrow, suffering and misery, can you?
Why is there deception, foul notions coated with false promises, can you?
Describe the point of having a best friend when they won’t listen to you carefully, can you?
Explain the reason behind your excuses of taking me for a long time ride, will you?
Understand my pain through my collapsed soul, aching heart and broken bones, don’t you? 
Contemplate the misconceptions, misjudgments, misdemeanors and misconstrues, would you?
Distinguish the good from bad and the ugly, seeing the pure beauty and simplicity all inside, would you?
Take back what you put me through through a decent comeback and a warm hug with the determined attitude and a forever love, will you?
Why does it take you so hard to enter when i put the door on the latch waiting for your return and a blissful smile, manifest – won’t you?
Tested me enough with the all ups and downs of life but still torturing my wounded heart and mind and soul with your callousness. Justify it all would you?
If you don’t then at least fill me up with the answer why, would you?

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That oranges tree

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That lonely oranges tree, full of mystery and stories, in the very center of the cornfield ..the one that no longer exists anymore…the one that 3 brothers used to spend the entire school hours sitting on the branches looking at the birds and insects flyiny over… the one we saw rabbits being chased by dogs and the one that we shelter for hours talking about the impossibles and imaginary world. The one we ate peanuts and boiled corn on and the one we laid on the branches taking our tireness off on. The one we played games and cut oranges from to please nanny with on our return home. The one we deeply were in love with and never let any chance to go off from. Okay these two brothers of mine are school runaway kids with bad marks in their result sheets and i am the one with first position in my class, i went there what for? To skip something i loved? The privelage of being the entire schools proctor? And being best friends with a funniest kid and having a great time impersonating the teachers and some other students? Don’t i rememebr the junior cambridge bullies? Oh well this was the new school and everything was my favorite but wait it wasn’t my interest that took me to the orange tree…it was its mysterious beuaty and mostly the tricks of my brothers who didn’t want me to be called by their teachers in their class for making constant absences and getting low marks on their tests with no interest in their daily class activites. I actually had a bad time when was called by their teacher deliver their feedback message back home to the parents which my brothers would cleverly trick me into games and other stuff so that i dont get to go to school either but rather spend the rest of the time with them swimming in the river, eating berries and then teasing crows and finally resting in the oranges tree. One day the school was dismissed earlier and in the middle of the way my brothers decided to get intocthe video game store which i denied joining them but instead went straight home and in the house granny thought i fled school to which i was almost beaten by her and from that day i decided not to get distracted by them anymore. I changed my plans and schedule but still somehow went to that orange tree. About 6 years later when i went to that country with my aunt for a visit, i couldn’t find the orange tree….there wasn’t any sign of the corn field either but it was a flat land with many buildings erected over. It mad me sad and i rememebred those days when we were little and crazy kids skipping school and spending the entire hours in that tree. The orange tree, the beautiful, colorful, loveable perfumed, the one and only, the only oranges tree.